Journey

1

It was raining heavily, everything was shut down. The night was long and dark. Everyone was in deep sleep and nature was furious. I took my bag on my back and my 3 months old child and silently stepped out from the home. I felt a strong sharp pain inside.

My whole body was still aching. I looked at her face and dragged my body out of that place. The night was too dark and scary. And those small hand was holding me tightly. Seems like, she was scared and don't want to let me go. I kissed her forehead and started walking.

So unsure, of where to go. Not a single vehicle was there. My heart was throbbing. I can almost hear my heartbeat. My hands were shaking. Tears were continuously rolling out and all those incidents were hitting my body and constantly.

Light flash on my eyes and I closed my eyes. Only hear, where should I drop you. I opened my eyes saw the auto. Sat inside it and head towards the railway station. No idea, what to do or where to go. The auto stopped in front of the station, I stepped out and entered the station.

He didn't take the money, only said everything will be fine. Suddenly, my heartbeat increased, seems like something hit it strongly and it reminds me of the Mataji, I once met. I only knew she lives in Amarkantak. I bought the ticket for Pendra and took the train.

She suddenly started to cry. It was been a long time I feed her and she was hungry. I sat on the train and feed her. It was still raining heavily outside. We were wet. I changed her cloth and feed her. Took out some more clothes to protect her from the cold.

She holds my little finger and smiled, seemed like, she is silently saying, I am with you and will be with you forever. The train started to run. I hold her tightly on my chest and she slowly slept. I was staring at her, was thinking of her future.

How will I take care of her, her education, how will I feed her? I had no job, no ancestral or parents' property. My whole body started to shake and I felt the coldness in my body. Fear, nervousness, grief was running through my veins. My voice choked. Cannot think anything.

Gradually, the rain stopped and morning came with the light, but somewhere inside, I lost all my hopes. My station arrived, I took my bag and hold my child on my chest, and stepped down.

New place, new people. Don't even know which side to go. Just followed others and came out of the station. Seems like the whole world is standing in front of me and I have nowhere to go, I got stuck.

A voice came, shouting Amarkanthak, Amarkanthak. I turned and saw jeeps were standing and ready to head towards Amarkantak. I sat in one of the jeeps. It started to move.

The rain started again. I can see only fields and some small homes on both sides of the road. Gradually, from the plain land, it moved up towards the hills. I saw a group of people is passing by saying Narmade Har.

Small, small hills, full of greenery and life. I missed my life. A part of me was left out in Delhi only. I never thought we will be depart. Never thought my daughter's life will start without support. The jeep stopped at the bus stop of Amarkantak.

I stepped out. Now? Where to go? I just knew she leaves in Amarkanthak, nothing else. How will I find her now? The jeepwala said, walk straight, you will find the Narmada Mandir. I listened and started to walk towards the mandir.

By this time, I lost all the control on myself and just following my destiny or might be almighty. I reached the mandir and didn't enter. Just stand outside the premises. I was annoyed, sad, helpless, restless, and just stared at the mandir from outside.

Someone asked me, to which ashram you will go? I turned around and saw that same jeepwala. I don't know what to say, I indeed don't know where to go. I silently uttered Mataji's ashram. He asked me to follow him.

I started to follow him. He took me to the backside of the mandir and then towards a very thin lane full of shrubs. My heart started beating fast, almost I can hear it.

Shrubby lane, heavy rain, and darkness outside and inside. Don't know what will happen next. He looks back and forwards his hand towards me, I shook from inside. He silently said, give me your bag, it is slopping, you might fall and hurt your child. I gave him the bag and stepped forward and saw the road is going up and slippery. He holds my hand and helped me to step up.

Now the road is plain and I can only see fields. I still followed him. After a long walk, we came in front of the door. He opened the door and went inside. My bag was still with him. I followed him and entered inside.

2

A thin dark passage, I can see. My heartbeat increased with each step. Probably, he got a vibe too. He just turned around and smile and turned left. A wide patio, surrounded by small rooms. On, one side of the yard, I noticed stairs going up to a room, which is closed. An old lady was brooming the stairs.

The jeepwala, went in front of a door and called out “Mataji, Mataji”. I felt the warmth in my blood. Seemed like I have saved my daughter till now. A feeling of relaxation toned down my heartbeat.

An old lady came out of the room, wearing a geruya coloured saree, hair was opened, wearing an old style spectacle. She looked at me and smiled. I felt so much compassion within. The jeepwala looked at me and asked, you were looking for her na. I nodded my hair. He smiled at me, kept the bag in the side of the door, and left the premises.

Mataji took me inside her room and called someone named Bhanu. A thin, young lady came running into the room. She picked up my bag and went.

I was sitting on the floor of the room. On one side of the room, there is a huge hawan kund and a huge idol of Shiva and Maa Narmada, decorated with flowers. Seems like they have completed their morning puja. I look around and saw a wall clock, it was showing 11 am.

I left the home yesterday at 10 am. The whole night went by, no one contacted me. Not even a single call or SMS. I lie down my daughter on the floor. On the other side of the room, there is a small bed, where Mataji is sitting. I suddenly realised, she is staring at me, I felt embarrassed, don’t know what to say, if she asks me about my husband, why I suddenly come here with my child all alone?

I quietly turned my eyes. I couldn’t find the guts to look at her. I felt so embarrassed, restless, empty inside, so much of emptiness. I looked at my daughter, she was sleeping till then. So innocent, so helpless. What was her mistake? Why did this happen to her? Why she is here? All these questions were pinching my heart and soul. I felt I will drown down with these questions. I wanted to scream, but someone from inside was just holding my throat tightly, I even couldn’t breathe.

I looked at the idol silently. I felt a gentle touch in the back of my head and said, “you seem not to have anything for long”. Tears rolled down, my heart started throbbing. So much affection, compassion, I never felt after my mother’s death.

Bhanu entered the room with roti, sabji, and a cup of tea. I took the first bite and seemed like I am having food after years. My body collapsed, I hold on to myself. My daughter wakes up and looked at me. Bhanu took her on her lap and kissed her forehead and cuddle her as her child.

I finished with food and went to take bath. I took the phone with me. Somewhere inside, I was expecting at least one phone call. I came out of the bathroom and followed Bhanu towards another room.

On one side of the room, there was a mattress and a pillow. My daughter was lying there. I sat beside her. She holds my little finger with her little hand. I took her on my lap and kissed her forehead and chin.

The other side of the room had a wide sliding door and behind that, there was a huge, old Pepple tree. So many trishul was there in the ground near the tree, and just in front of that, there was a small Shiva Linga. I was sitting there holding my daughter in my lap.

After lunch, Mataji asked me to take a nap. I went inside the room and lie down, holding my child, but couldn’t sleep. All those questions started to hammer me again. Bhanu, entered the room and looked at me. She understood, I didn’t sleep. She asked me to come to the mandir for sandhya aarti.

My daughter was sleeping. It seemed like she also got exhausted like me. She never used to sleep for so long. Such a small human, so adorable, understanding. I left the room and followed Bhanu.

We took the stairs and entered the mandir. After the aarti, we came down and I saw my daughter is in Mataji’s lap, playing with her. I also sat beside her. Till now, she didn’t ask me anything, only said speak out your problems in front of Shiva. Even if, the mother also doesn’t feed her child, unless they cry.

After dinner, I went to the room with my daughter. I gradually started to adopt the ashram culture.

Nature over here is very soothing and beautiful. Almost it rains all the time, neither hot nor cold. Wide sky, I can see the sky is meeting the field. The night is very dark but not scary. The dark jungle was just after two fields, it can be seen from the ashram. I can hear the local songs at night and the sounds of animals. They became the mate of my dark night.

The night passed on and days, I didn’t get a single call from him. Truth is always bitter, but it is truth. I lost all my hope and accepted my destiny. I even didn’t try to fight for my child’s destiny. I accepted everything. I feel so forced to live, as was living for her.

In the morning, Mataji told Bhanu to take me to the Narmada Mandir. It was almost 20 days, I didn’t step out of the ashram premises. I was not willing to. Mataji, told, you need to go out. I followed the instruction and went to the mandir with Bhanu. I left my daughter with Mataji.

After puja we went back to the ashram. I went straight to the washroom and washed my hands and legs and came to my daughter. Mataji, silently told me, you left your phone here? It was ringing.

It felt like, she was whispering my wish. The phone rang again. Seems like I waited for this time for years, just one call, just one call, I spend the nights with this hope, holding the phone and staring at it, nights after nights. My whole body shivered. I ran towards the room and blindly picked the phone.

3

Hello! The voice came from the other side, "how are you?" I came back to my conscious and looked at the phone. The display screen flash, father. I smiled and talked to him. After disconnecting the call I came out of the room. Mataji, looked at me, I smiled and uttered, baba called. And with this an unknown emptiness filled my heart. I went out. There was a huge ground in front of the ashram. The weather was soothing. I looked up to the sky. Floating white clouds in the sky blue space. Tears rolled down, I closed my eyes and keep my face up to the sky. Probably didn't want the tears to be seen. It started raining again, and with every raindrop, I drowned.

A sharp voice of hit my ears. I looked back and saw, that driver is standing in front of the ashram. He walked towards me, looked into my eyes and said, lets go inside. I followed him like the first day and went inside the ashram. We both were wet. I went to my room and changed my clothes and bring a towel for him. He took it from my hand and started to rub his hair. I went to the kitchen to make tea.

He started to chat with Mataji. The kitchen was near to Mataji's room, so all their chats came to my ears. After making the tea, I distributed it in cups and entered the room. Mataji, told me that she will leave Amarkantak for some work and will come back after a month.

I was totally shattered. Now I really don't know what to do, where to go. She politely asked me, can you take care of the ashram after me? A sense of relief flow through my nerves. I just nodded my head. After dinner that jeepwala was about to leave the premise. By that time rain stopped, but the sky was still full of agony and can blast anytime. He came to me and slowly whispered in my ears, "would you like to work?" I looked back with confusion. Till then, I was unaware of his name.

He wrote his number in my hand and left. Whole night I couldn't slept. So much of confusion and restlessness. I wanted to do, wanted to take care of my child, but I also have the ashram responsibility now. Life is so messed up.

Didn't realise when morning arrived. I came out of the room and went to the washroom. After morning bath, I went to Mataji. She asked me to go to the mandir and sit there for sometimes. I went inside, but I was very very annoyed with them. How could they do this to that innocent child. I came back in a while. She gave me a name and said, go and meet him now. He owns a school here and can help you.

Then she called someone named Ravi. I went to my room to dress up and to feed my child. I took her on my lap and came out of the room. Mataji, took her from me and asked me to go with Ravi. Now, I know that jeepwala's name is Ravi. I followed him. He brought his jeep, so I sat inside and he dropped me in front of the school.

I met the Principal of the school and he sent me to the owner of the school. He took my interview and asked me to join immediately. I accept the offer and requested them to make the joining date from next month.

I came out of the school and saw that Ravi is still standing there, outside the school, where he dropped me. Seeing me he opened the door. I crossed the road and went near to the jeep. He started when I sat inside the jeep. I can feel, he is staring at me from the mirror. It was so uncomfortable, probably, he understand that and turn the mirror.

Would you like to go to the Mandir?, he asked. I nodded my head. I recalled, Mataji told me, "if you get through the interview, then just bring the prasad from Narmada Mandir. He dropped me in front of the Mandir and went towards the parking. I went inside the mandir, I came here alone for the first time. Last time, I came with Bhanu. I went directly to the Main Mandir. There was a queue, so I stand at the last and was waiting for my turn. It was late too, I had to feed my daughter too and the queue is little long. Someone said, come with me. This time, I realised it is Ravi. I just said ok and followed him. I realised pandits over here knows him well. After puja we went back to ashram with prasad.

I was so scared and tensed as my child was hungry for long. I left her alone for the first time. The car stopped, I almost ran inside. Astonished to saw her playing with Mataji's hair. I came near to her and she smiled at me. Mataji asked me to distribute the prasad. I washed my hand and distribute the prasad. Then I took her in my lap and kissed her forehead. I was about to take her to the room, to feed her. Mataji stopped me and said, "don't worry we feed her milk." I was surprised, how? Mataji, showed me the milk bottle and said, "Ravi gave it to me when he came here to pick you up."

Really? Someone, even I don't know properly, had met for 2-3 times, is thinking of my child? And, the person, whose responsibility was to take care of us, was totally unaware of our existence even.

I cannot thank you much, to this unknown person. He thought about my existence, her hunger and our life. I just smiled. I had no words to say. She slept on my lap. I went inside and lie her down in the bed. I came out and went to Mataji and told her, I got the job and I have to join from the next month. 

She was very happy to hear that. She kissed my forehead and smiled. I lean my head in her lap and she placed her hand on my head and gently pat. I felt so exhausted, didn't realise, when I slept on her lap. 

When I woke up it was almost 1pm. My daughter, Ria was on Bhanu's lap and I was still on her lap. I quickly sit back, felt so embarrassed. She had to be one position for long because of me. She gently pat on my back and said, it's ok.

I stand up and went to the wash room. After coming back, I saw she is packing up her clothes. I looked at her. She said, she will leave tomorrow morning and instructed me to sleep in her room with Ria. I nodded my head and went to kitchen. 

 

In the evening some people visited ashram to meet her. Me and Bhanu went to the kitchen to prepare food for all. Ria was with Mataji. She had a strange connection with Mataji. She loved playing with her. After cooking, I went to Mataji's room to take Ria, it was her feeding time. 

  

I woke up early morning next day, Bhanu also came early for work. I quickly took bath and went to kitchen to prepare food. I served breakfast to Mataji and started packing food for her journey. Ravi came around 9 am. I gave him tea and breakfast. Mataji finished her food and gave me her plate. I went out to keep it for wash. 

 

I came back with packed foods and handed it over to her. She took it from me and looked at Shiva and told me, don't worry he will take care of you. Then they left the ashram. Now, it was only three of us left in the ashram. 

 

After she left, we started to finish our work. I prepared bhog for God and Bhanu started to clean the ashram. At 12 pm I served bhog to God, I saw it, but did it for the first time. So many things I learnt, so many things I did for the first time. 

 

It was 6 pm, time for aarti. It was an ashram, so I cannot skip aarti and no one is there to do it. I just remember Mataji's word and her trust on me. I looked at Shiva and started doing the aarti. Never realised when the clock strike 8 pm. 

 

After aarti we took prasad. Bhanu left after dinner. I locked the front door and the back door. Then I looked the other rooms and locked them too. For the first time I stayed alone. I took Ria on my lap and went to Mataji's room. I put one mattress on the floor and lay down with Ria. She put her small legs on me and slept. I started thinking about our future and checked my phone. Nothing was there. Only one call from baba. Gradually I slept. It was heavily raining outside. 

 

Some water drops splash on me. I woke up and closed the windows. It was still raining. I hold her and slept. I woke up with a loud knock. I stared at the door, nothing was there. But I heard the knock. I looked at her, she was still sleeping. Again, the door knocked. 

 

There was a jungle near by ashram and people also get drunk at night. I heard their fight before also. There were animals in the jungle. The door was knocked again. I was scared, but cannot scream. No one even can hear my scream and my child might get scared. I saw a thick stick behind the almirah. I took it and opened the door.

4

It's too dark outside. Nothing is visible and I can only hear the hideous sound of the air and heavy rain. I locked the door from outside and checked all over the ashram, but couldn't find anyone. After a while, I went inside and locked the door and went to my child. I kept the stick beside me and took her on my lap. I couldn't sleep through the entire night. My heartbeat increased so much that I could almost hear it. I was looking at Shiva and the havan-kund and then at her innocent face. "What's her fault? Why she has to go through all this?" so many questions hit my mind and I didn't realise when I slept holding her in my lap.

'Knock! Knock!' the sound again arouses. I put her on the mat and picked up the stick and opened the door. Ravi was standing outside with some packets. I was still holding the stick tightly. He kept the packets and went out. Tears rolled out of my eyes, I was about to collapse, I heard Ria's cry. I throw the stick and quickly went to her and took her on my lap.

'Who brought these fruits and milk?'- I heard the voice of Bhanu and turned. While sitting on the balcony she was taking out the stuff gradually from the packets. I was scared, confused and surprised, such a mixed feelings I had and didn't know what to do or say. She looked at me and asked 'Ravi bhaiya brought all these?' I nodded my head and went back.

Bhanu cleaned the whole ashram and we cooked the bhog. After morning puja we took prasad and all day she spent playing with Ria. And I? All day I waited for one phone call. Time passed and evening arose. She prepared dinner for us and left the ashram. I wanted to hold her hand tightly and stop her. Since morning, I tried to tell her about the night incident but couldn't.

I didn't know what to do. If someone knocks on the door again? If someone or any animal breaks the door, where will I go with my child, and whom I will call or ask for help? What I will do? The feeling of loneliness went through my nerves and veins.

I heard the voice of Bhanu. I looked up and a sense of relief run through my blood. She came to me, shouting, I forgot to take our dinner. I also realised, I have packed their dinner but didn't give it to her. She took the packet and stepped out. She suddenly turned around and looked at me.

"Why do you look so scared? Since morning you seem very distrait." I was about to tell her about the last night, but she continued, "don't worry about anything, Ravi bhaiya will be there outside all night, like yesterday. If you need anything you can tell him."

Like yesterday? What does this mean?

Bhanu intimate me that till Mataji is not here, he is guarding the ashram at night so that nothing can harm us. I asked Bhanu, "does Mataji know this?" because she didn't say anything like this to me. Was it him who knocked on the door yesterday night?

Bhanu continued, "no no, he does everything of his own. You know the jungle is nearby, it's not safe to stay alone here with a baby. "IS it safe to be with him? He knocked on the door at night, and he might do it today also. What's his intention? But why he was not there, when I opened the door?" I was thinking about all these.

Bhanu said, "I heard yesterday, someone tried to enter the ashram premises for stealing. Bhaiya caught him and threatened him. You might not know all these because of the rain sound. Now you lock the door." I stopped her to know did he ate food? Bhanu was unaware of it. I packed food for him and give it to her to give him.

I realised, he was drenched in rain last night. I asked Bhanu to open the outside room for him. She took the key and opened the room and went back home.

Days passed by in the same pattern. Ria is growing up and now she started to sit on her own. She became very notorious. Mataji's eye operation and other check-ups were successful. She went to her Guruji's ashram in Aravali after the eye operation.

Three months passed and nothing changed. In the same way, I am waiting for one single phone call, and now, I am gradually losing hope of getting it. In the same way, Ravi is protecting me and my daughter from outside turbulence and peril without any expectation.

Seriously? Someone is doing something without any expectation or intention? He is doing all these out of what? Is it possible? If yes, then why not Ria's father?

After three months, Mataji came back. She was very mesmerized, seeing the way we took care of the ashram in her absence. She cleaned herself after a long journey and sat on her asaan. I was cleaning her room, she called me, and I sat near her. She put her hand on my head and softly whispered "Everything will be fine, I met him."

"I met him" these words flow through my veins like a current. "How is he? Did he ask about us? Will he come ever to meet us? Will Ria see her father ever? Does he miss me?" so many questions were just juggling inside my head, I just can't utter them. I just looked at her face. She smiled and said "share your feelings with Shiva. I will take rest now."

I left the room and came out. "What do these means? He will come or not? We will stay here forever or will go back home?" I sat in front of Shiva and stared at him. I was blunt, and didn't know what to ask or what to say, what to do." I was sitting there closing my eyes.

I heard Ria's giggling. I opened my eyes and went to the balcony. I saw her playing with Ravi. Mataji woke up and sat nearby. Bhanu is inside the kitchen, saying something to Ravi, that is not clear. I came down and sat beside Mataji.

Mataji's phone rang and she went inside the room. Bhanu came out of the kitchen and started to play with Ria. I went out to the ground near the ashram. I sat there and looked at the sunset. The sky is gradually changing its colour from blue to orange to blackish. Our life, incidents everything changes with time, just like this sky. I turned to go back and found Ravi standing just behind me.

I don't know for how long he was there? Why he was there standing behind me? - I was just about to leave, he gave me an envelope and leave.